Friday, February 03, 2012

Can't be good enough

So I had this conversation yesterday:-
Him: Kenapa awak tak guna nama awak sendiri? Kenapa guna Nirrosette?
Me: Sebab...saya malu.
Him: Kenapa awak nak malu pulak?
Me: Sebab...sebab...saya tak tahu lah!

For a moment I was at a lost for words when he asked me that. Honestly I don't want anyone to know I am Nirrosette. Nirrosette is like my alter ego. I just thought that its gonna be a major turn off if they know who I am and then they wont read my books anymore. Don't even ask me why I'm thinking like this. I have this thought lingering at the back of my head that people just don't seem to like me, you see. You can put the blame on insecurities. Hahaha I've always put the blame on insecurities in fact.

But I know I can't hide. I mean seriously I'm not good at hiding hahaha. I'm not Hlovate. And I don't intend to be her. I have no intention to hide my identity forever. I'm not a big shot. But I'm gonna make my appearance sooner or later and readers will find out who the real me is. Kan? And what's next? Am I doomed for life? Hahahaha Nir you're super paranoid, do you even know that? =.=

I told a friend all about my fears and then we had this conversation:-
Her: Are you sure the doctor operated the right organ? I'm sure they should have operated your head and inspect your brain instead.
Me: Apekah???
Her: Nir! I don't understand. Why are you being so paranoid?! It's not like you buat salah ke apa okay!
Me: Memang la tak buat salah tapi...tapi...

Tapi apa Nir tapi apa?! If she's right in front of me at that moment, she might have attempted to strangle me or something. Hahahaha. She's right. I'm just being paranoid. For nothing. It's just me I guess. My self esteem is like, all the way down the drain kut sometimes? Cheh. I've self issues to deal with. Tsktsk!

And this Sunday...hais. I really don't know what to expect. Just wait and see. Maybe it's nothing after all. You're just overreacting, Nir. Takut dengan bayang-bayang sendiri for no apparent reason apehal? You need a good smack, like seriously.

So...anyone wants to offer me penampar bersiri? I'm more than glad to welcome you with open arms hahahaha :D

6 comments:

  1. Whether you are Nirrosette or Nir, I think that you ought to know that you are an amazing writer and you should credit yourself for that. The future is always ahead of you and given your talent, I'm sure you'd go far (: Just be who you really are because believe me, there's isn't anything to not love about Nir (:

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  2. Why are you being so sweeet? I'm speechless hahahaha (:

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  3. Nirrr~~~ Saya dah baca Berita Minggu tu! Proud of u sis! :) Frankly speaking, awk tak kenal saya tapi rasanya saya macam dah lama kenal awk... Tak tahu la pulak kenapa saya rasa mcm tu kan. Probably sebab (from stalking ur blog) I realise we've got a lot of similarities. Eg, kita boleh duduk dalam bilik the whole day tanpa jelak (asal ada novel/lappy). We dont want others to know our real name sebab takut TERbuat cerita yang mushy tahap maha? <-- ok so maybe this is just me LOL. But for ur case, awk taknak readers to judge u by ur age... Me? I just dont want my friends to know how MUSHY I CAN be! Hahah! Oh and tak ketinggalan jugak the low self esteem part. We are so much alike tau Nirrr! (base on what u wrote dlm blog la kan. Tapi kalau meet in person tatau entah sama atau tak. Entah2 mcm langit dgn bumi Haha!) Bezanya awk dgn saya, awak minat GILER dgn korean bands! =..= Haha

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  4. Dear Hua XiaoJie,

    Before I lose my sanity, please tell me who on earth are you? *Insert muka serious* Hahahaha. Saya ingat awak pernah tag kat blog lama saya (you know which blog I'm talking about) and saya pernah email awak sebab awak pernah tanya saya something (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about heh) so this just means you know me all the way back then sejak zaman sebelum saya publish Ikhlas A.K!

    So, fess up. Siapakah awak sebenarnya? Kekekekeke.I'd like to know who this Hua XiaoJie girl is, yang nampak-nampaknya ada similar personality macam diri saya :D

    Ps: Minat GILER dgn korean bands is an overstatement, please :P

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  5. Salam Nirrosette,

    Best la kacau awk. Hahah! :D Jgn la marah... ok saya tahu kalau saya jadi awk pun saya tertanya2 jugak siapakah gerangan budak yang tak henti2 nak ganggu ketenteraman awam nih. Hehe. But seriously, kita pernah meet face to face. In IJ. (Jgn cuba perah otak sebab kita bertentang mata pun tak sampai seminit rasanya hahaha!) Saya kenal awk cuma awk je yg tak kenal saya. ^.^ (oh please... apa yg nak dihairankan kalau saya kenal awk? awk dah keluar kat tv pun... nir..nir...*geleng kepala* Bahas 4PM? I was there too.) A couple of times jugak ternampak awk kat wdlns mrt. But awk menonong aje jalan walaupun keadaan waktu tu tgh sesak LOL. That time awk jalan mcm robot tau! Mcm robocop tgh bagi signal, "Beri laluan pada aku! Aku takkan teragak2 nak langgar kau orang kalau kau orang hadang laluan aku!" *imitates how nir walks gaya robot dgn jubah dia* :DD

    Bukan tak nak bilang siapa saya, tapi... perlu ke awk tahu siapa saya? Tak boleh ke tunggu kalau saya dah publish novel dgn JS? Hehe. Yes. Skrg saya tgh dlm proses utk betulkan my manuskrip. (Kena tunggu sem break la kan...) =..=

    And NIRRR!!! Keluarkan la cerita wishlist... *merengek sambil nangis air mata darah* mcm nak mintak sejuta reason aje as to kenapa awk tak nak sambung cerita tu. TT____TT takat ni I loike ze very ze much tau jalan cerita wishlist. I can almost imagine that girl being you. LOL. Tgh duduk dekat bus stop depan kolej, then kereta tetiba dtg depan that girl and apparently kereta tu milik that guy. Awhhhh... Hahah! Sorry. Jgn marah nanti kena jual. ;)

    Btw, awk tau tak siapa the first singaporean novelist dgn JS? :/ Tiap kali pergi kedai novel m'sia asyik tak jumpa aje buku by that singaporean novelist. Kat library pun sama. Tak jumpa aje buku yg saya cari... :(

    P/s : Jgn main kotor and go ask JS eh siapa Hua XiaoJie. *tenung mata awk dalam2 mcm org kelaparan* Huahuahua!

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  6. Salam Hua XiaoJie (oh Islam rupanya, eh? :P),

    I'll be waiting for that day (for revenge.)

    Till then,
    Happy writing! Kekekeke.

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