Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I didn't change, I grew up.

"Why out of a sudden berubah? Dah bertaubat nasuha ke?"
"Do I need a reason to change?"
"Berubah sekejap je, nanti esok lusa ikut perangai lama balik. I know you too well, la."
"I can never be certain about tomorrow, but I've decided to be good - at least for today."

The moment ayah passed away I made a vow. I told myself, I will be a good muslimah. I want to be solehah. Because I know that's the only way I can help him. Because I know doa anak yang soleh akan diterimaNya. But I've been failing.

I've tried too many times before to be a better muslimah, but I always end up being the same old me again. Forgetting the purpose of life is to worship Him and forgetting the purpose of my existence is to achieve His blessings in every single thing I do. I can't deny sometimes I get too attached to this world, I do things He doesn't approve and at that point of time, I didn't think of the consequences.

I know most of the time, my 'alim moments' can only last for two three days after I listened to some sort of syarahan or after I read some articles. And then I'll start hoo-haa-ing again the following week as though those reminders didn't have any impact on me at all.

I hate myself for being like that. One moment I'm okay the other moment I just stooped so low. I know sometimes my efforts are futile. But I want to be solehah. I have to be solehah. I desperately need to be solehah. But it's hard. It's really hard when you keep giving in to your nafs. It's really hard when you keep being too lenient to yourself. It's hard when you keep letting the syaitan win!

But I know someday it's going to be worth it. And bearing that in mind, I'm gonna tell myself to keep going. I'm gonna keep trying. And I'm gonna keep working to improve myself up till my very last breath. I really hope He will guide my steps. Cause there's no one else I can turn to besides Him.

"Perempuan baik itu adalah suatu proses. Jangan sesekali mencuba menjadi perempuan baik hanya dalam masa sehari, tetapi berusahalah menjadi perempuan baik sampai kamu mati. Kerana, pasti orang seperti kita ada melakukan dosa, tetapi bangkitlah kembali dengan taubat. Itulah perempuan baik, iaitu perempuan yang sentiasa berusaha menjadi hamba kepada Allah yang taat. Dan taat kepada Allah, kamu tahu ia bukan sekadar satu dua perkara, tetapi ribuan perkara, meliputi hal ayah ibu, suami, anak, jiran, ibadah, menjaga maruah, menjaga mulut, taubat, dan banyak lagi. Itulah perempuan baik, perempuan yang sentiasa berusaha ke arah perkara yang baik-baik."

May Allah bless us all


  1. nir. May Allah bless u.
    This life itself is a battle. yeah. we do mistake. n we will work hard for not making the same mistake
    but if we somehow losing, go back to Him. repent.
    He is The Greatest Acceptor of Repentance.

    hee. take care. though we dont know each other, but we're muslim n we're sister in islam. heww

    oh. i'll copy some of ur quotes, bole eh :)

  2. iman tu kan mmg naik turun. its a good thing when u realise it. some people dont. its okay darling, no matter how many time u failed. just get up again and again and again. Allah looks at ur efforts, not the results insyaAllah. and He did promise in His ayat cinta. kalau kita betul2 mencari redhaNya, pasti Dia akan tunjukkan jalan - Al ankabut ; 69 ;))

    semoga terus kuat sayang ! ukhuwah fillah :))

  3. To be a muslimah yang solehah is the dream of many to achieve and insyaallah, as you grow up in the years to come, you will be able to achieve what you've always wanted to achieve :) I am proud of you and you should be too that you are aware that although you tend to follow your nafs and temptations, at the end of the day, you constantly remind yourself of the things you may have done wrong as well as your purpose of life which is for Allah. Keep reminding yourself and soon, it will be a constant reminder, before not after, of the things you do :)

  4. keep it up a good try nir.insya Allah, at first it is hard but after all it is worth a try.
    iman ada naik turunnya insyaAllah sleagi kita istiqamah Allah will help.

    entry nir ni sedikit sbnyk a wake up call for too.sbgai anak, this is what we have to do to pay our being a good one and send them prayer.

  5. Syukran semua. Barakallahu feekum insya Allah!(: