"Why out of a sudden berubah? Dah bertaubat nasuha ke?"
"Do I need a reason to change?"
"Berubah sekejap je, nanti esok lusa ikut perangai lama balik. I know you too well, la."
"I can never be certain about tomorrow, but I've decided to be good - at least for today."
The moment ayah passed away I made a vow. I told myself, I will be a good muslimah. I want to be solehah. Because I know that's the only way I can help him. Because I know doa anak yang soleh akan diterimaNya. But I've been failing.
I've tried too many times before to be a better muslimah, but I always end up being the same old me again. Forgetting the purpose of life is to worship Him and forgetting the purpose of my existence is to achieve His blessings in every single thing I do. I can't deny sometimes I get too attached to this world, I do things He doesn't approve and at that point of time, I didn't think of the consequences.
I know most of the time, my 'alim moments' can only last for two three days after I listened to some sort of syarahan or after I read some articles. And then I'll start hoo-haa-ing again the following week as though those reminders didn't have any impact on me at all.
I hate myself for being like that. One moment I'm okay the other moment I just stooped so low. I know sometimes my efforts are futile. But I want to be solehah. I have to be solehah. I desperately need to be solehah. But it's hard. It's really hard when you keep giving in to your nafs. It's really hard when you keep being too lenient to yourself. It's hard when you keep letting the syaitan win!
But I know someday it's going to be worth it. And bearing that in mind, I'm gonna tell myself to keep going. I'm gonna keep trying. And I'm gonna keep working to improve myself up till my very last breath. I really hope He will guide my steps. Cause there's no one else I can turn to besides Him.
"Perempuan baik itu adalah suatu proses. Jangan sesekali mencuba menjadi perempuan baik hanya dalam masa sehari, tetapi berusahalah menjadi perempuan baik sampai kamu mati. Kerana, pasti orang seperti kita ada melakukan dosa, tetapi bangkitlah kembali dengan taubat. Itulah perempuan baik, iaitu perempuan yang sentiasa berusaha menjadi hamba kepada Allah yang taat. Dan taat kepada Allah, kamu tahu ia bukan sekadar satu dua perkara, tetapi ribuan perkara, meliputi hal ayah ibu, suami, anak, jiran, ibadah, menjaga maruah, menjaga mulut, taubat, dan banyak lagi. Itulah perempuan baik, perempuan yang sentiasa berusaha ke arah perkara yang baik-baik."
May Allah bless us all ♥