Sunday, April 06, 2014

Confessions of a girl with a cold heart



Girls are generally dependent. But I'm not. I'm independent. With ayah passed on and abang abroad, I had to step up. I wasn't given a choice but to grow up. I have to shoulder everything. And by everything I really mean every. single. thing. At times I do feel like a mother with three kids but with Allah's grace, I can handle everything well.

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ

And it makes me feel like I don't need a man in my life to survive.

I'm blessed with supportive family and amazing friends. I've a career and a stable job in the future insyaAllah. I have more than enough. Despite the shortcomings, I'm really contented with life, alhamdulillah.

So why do I have to ask for more?

If it doesn't make any difference,
why do I want to get married?
why do I need to get married?

Mai said,
Maybe it's my ego.
Maybe I don't realise it yet. You don't miss the water till the well runs dry, kan?
Or maybe I was just being careful. I distant myself from people so I don't have to feel hurt.

Maybe it's true.
Maybe that's how I guard my heart.

I hope when the day comes,
I'll get married because I wanna get married.
Not because I wanna conform to social norms.
Not because I feel obliged to.
But because Allah wants me to.

And because I love you.

xoxo,
N

2 comments:

  1. I won't pretend that I know you well, no one ever will except Our Lord, because you conceal so much that I believe that even the people closest to you will never truly understand. But for the silence you have, on the words you can't speak, your feelings speaks louder to someone like me. Pardon me if you think that I am a creep, although I know that you never see Anonymous me as one. I hope that by being Anonymous, you will read what I have to say with an open mind, and hopefully find comfort and truth in the words I speak.
    It must be hard, isn't it? To hurt so much before that you no longer believe in happy endings the way you used to. To be so afraid, that you take things for what they are and just go with the flow, hoping that things will get a lot better one day. You seek to find your own happiness, more often by trying to be the reason of someone else's happiness. That makes you so special. That most of your decisions that you make has always been one for others, and not for yourself and you thrive on them. It has come to a point where you have given up your initials dreams, hoping that the one coming would be the one you're meant to be doing. It could be, God knows, but here's something you should know.
    Anyone, anyone at all, who has the privilege to be the one by your side is so lucky to have you. You're probably the best they will ever have, and I know you don't see that. You deserve so much better, to be treated like someone special and so much more because you're more amazing than you think you are. Don't let anyone close to you bring you down. One day, you'll get what I mean, and I hope that by then you'll find the epitome of the happiness you seek, not only for others but for yourself. One day, you'll fall in love; one day, you'll be happy; one day, you'll be brave; one day, you'll be strong; one day, you just have to believe. :)

    p.s. You don't have to reply or post this. I'm just someone sharing my own thoughts with you.

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