Last two weeks, while packing up, I find myself crying, feeling reluctant to leave them girls behind. I was supposed to follow my husband back to our home sweet home. But at the very last minute
I decided not to.
I don't remember how I started becoming clingy. But I know I owe my sisters a lot, especially since I became preggers and I know I'll miss them terribly if I leave.
the one who entertains my 2am hunger pangs and cooked meals for me in the middle of the night when there's nothing ready to be eaten. The one who'd singgah 711 almost every other night just to get me my keropok chachos or my mashed potato. Or to PrimaDeli cause sometimes I crave for waffles too.
The one who'd accompany me to the clinic cause most of the time my husband is far away and I cannot be trusted to go out alone.
The one who'd tolerated me vomitting all over Singapore and stares from people but have to buat muka sardine konon taktau apapa.
the one who'd offer her massage service whenever I have bad cramps or headache or any sort of pain.
The one who'd help to put lotion on me every night and tuck me to bed cause most of the time I cannot be bothered to even move once I lie down.
The one who'd accompany me to the toilet every single time I vomit (mind you, I vomit gazillion times a day yet she stand by me though I know she's disgusted).
The one who constantly reminds me to bring plastic bags and sweets and chocolates wherever I go and scolds me like a kid when I forgot to.
I still remember there was one particular night I had crazy bad cramps. But I know Syira was heading to bed so I didn't ask her to help. But she came and checked on me anyway.
I remember asking,
eh I thought you going to sleep, why you come here?
She simply replied, ibu cakap kakak cramp. And without me asking she automatically climbed the bed and gave me a massage.
I was so touched I ended up crying again that night.
These are the real reason why I decided not to go back. I wasn't ready to detach. (But at the same time I'm torn cause I didn't want to leave hubs either.) My sisters are the kindest and selfless people I've ever known. Sometimes I wonder what have I done to deserve these people as family.
Recently we had this conversation -- about how they couldn't remember my existence when they were younger. To be honest I couldn't remember them either. Growing up, I was hardly around in their lives. No lies.
Like how I have not a single memory of Mai during her crucial PSLE year. And I have not a single memory of Syirah starting P1 in Al-Maarif.
I was too caught up with my own life that I forgot to participate in theirs.
Ayah's demise was a blessing in disguise though. It woke me up. And it was then, I started paying attention to them.
Five years ago I would have said that I could live on my own, independently. But in recent years I started to appreciate my family even more and I realise how blessed I am to have them with me.
I've always told myself that I've lost my father and I survived. Anyone else could walk out of my life and leave me unscathed.
But the truth is, I'm afraid to lose anyone else.
I don't do cheesy but I'm doing this only once HAHA. Kakak sayang Mai. Kakak sayang Syirah. Know that.
On a happier note, I'm coming home to hubs tomorrow, taking my mum and sisters along with me. Yeay!